Divorce, for most people, is a traumatic and difficult. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow recently announced her split from the world famous musician from Coldplay, Chris Martin. Statistically, it’s not surprising the celebrity couple has split. Despite the fact that most everyone enters into marriage with the good intention to be together “until death do us part,” the research shows that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why is this number so high? The theory is that people are living much longer now and our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades.
Instead of announcing their intention to divorce, Ms. Paltrow wrote on her website that she and her husband are choosing to “consciously uncouple.” What does “conscious uncoupling” mean? As the creator of a transformational program called “Heal Your Heart” which is designed to help women and men move past the pain of divorce, infidelity, and break-ups, this is an interesting question for me. Here’s my interpretation…
“Conscious uncoupling” means there is an intention by one or both persons to end the relationship in a positive and respectful manner. It involves moving past who was right and who was wrong and instead acknowledging that the two people are no longer a match with each other due to their inherent differences in values, priorities, or choices. Ideally, if both persons choose to end their relationships consciously, there would be a mutual understanding that there are no victims. It could mean parents who divorce and have children are choosing to no longer be married but intend to co-parent in a mutually respectful and positive way. .
Many people do not choose to end their marriages but it happens. Divorce often sparks a series of painful circumstances which result in a host of unwanted, stressful emotions and behaviors that can last long after the relationship ends including:
•Resentment and regret
•Unhealthy coping responses to numb out emotional pain
•Fears about getting hurt again
•Ruminating on the past
•Lack of self-trust
•Poor ability to make healthy choices in future relationships
I have heard many clients over the years tell me, that divorce is an experience that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy! Why does divorce turn out so ugly for so many? Most people look at divorce as a failure. The belief in “death ’til us do part” sets us up for that. That idea alone is what holds people in a marriage long after they wish it had ended or maybe it should have ended. It can be at the root of why people cheat instead of choose to consciously uncouple.
Another reason that divorces end up in negativity, anger, and resentment is because, frequently, people develop a habit where they come to rely on their spouses for emotional support and wellbeing, for validation, and even for a sense of purpose. When we make our spouses the source of our happiness and they stop doing what we expect them to do, our happiness is now at the mercy of someone else.
For me personally, I watched my parents go through a very painful and ugly divorce after 35 years of marriage. I also went through crisis in my own marriage which resulted in some deep soul searching about the whole concept of marriage. The belief that it is healthier to not be attached to the outcome of the marriage but to take it day by day. I live in a place of choice to wake up next to my husband rather than by default or obligation. I am happy to make that choice.
As a result of my own journey, I am very passionate about helping those of you who struggle in your relationships to create the positive mindset you need and desire to support you in having healthy relationships.
And I am very passionate about helping those of you who need it, to move past the pain of divorce, infidelity, and break-up in such a way that you come through the experience healed, hopeful and empowered. My 90 day transformational program called Heal Your Heart shows you how to clear the hidden barriers to moving on and reclaim your power, re-invent yourself and consciously choose how you want to come away from the experience of divorce, infidelity, and break-up. The tools of hypnosis can help you to move past these painful emotions and self-sabotaging behaviors and actually embody the positive mindset that you desire.
To change the concept of divorce, we need to release the belief structures we have around marriage that create rigidity in our thought process. The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life. The truth is, the only thing any of us have is today. Beyond that, there are no guarantees.
In fact, it would be interesting to see how much easier couples might commit to each other and resolve their marital problems by thinking of their relationship in terms of conscious choice to be together versus the obligation of marriage binding them through a contract. What might this look like? Perhaps, it would mean that we stop taking our spouses love, affection, and commitment for granted. Perhaps it would mean that we learn to find our primary source of emotional and spiritual support from inside ourselves so that we make more conscious choices about how we live and how we love. Perhaps, it means that at times we choose to consciously uncouple and choose a different path for ourselves, one in truer alignment with our passions and purpose.
If you are someone who struggles to move past the pain of break-up, infidelity, or divorce, you can move on and move on in a way that you helps you to claim a life of power, passion and purpose! Are you ready to take the next step? Email me for a free phone consultation and let’s get you started on living, loving, and leading fearlessly!
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